The prevalence of school shootings has made discussions about safety and violence an unfortunate necessity for families. When talking to children about these events, it’s important to consider their age and emotional maturity. Below are some tips for parents on how to approach this difficult conversation at different stages of childhood: elementary, middle, and high school.
Talking to Elementary School Children
For young children, a conversation about school shootings should be simple, honest, and aimed at reducing fear.
1. Keep it simple: Children in elementary school don't need to know all the details about school shootings. Begin by asking what they’ve already heard or understood, then correct any misinformation. For example, you might say, "Sometimes bad things happen, but your teachers and the adults at school work very hard to keep you safe."
2. Reassure their safety: Young kids need reassurance more than details. Reinforce the fact that schools practice drills and have plans in place to keep them safe. Let them know that police and other adults are working hard to stop bad things from happening.
3. Limit media exposure: News coverage of school shootings can be overwhelming and confusing for young children. Limiting their exposure to media can help reduce anxiety. If they do see something on the news, sit with them and explain in age-appropriate terms what is happening.
4. Focus on emotions: At this age, children may not know how to express their feelings. Ask open-ended questions like, "How does this make you feel?" and provide comfort if they feel scared or sad. Normalize their emotions and offer extra cuddles or time with you to help them feel secure.
5. Empower them with simple safety knowledge: Explain that there are special drills in school to practice staying safe, just like fire drills. Focus on the idea that the adults in their life are there to protect them.
Talking to Middle School Children
Middle schoolers are often more aware of current events and may have more questions. Their emotional responses can vary from curiosity to anxiety or anger, so it’s important to create an open and respectful dialogue.
1. Acknowledge their awareness: Children in middle school are likely to have heard about school shootings from friends, social media, or news outlets. Start by asking them what they know or have heard, and clarify any misinformation. This can also serve as a jumping-off point for a more detailed discussion.
2. Validate their feelings: This age group may experience a range of emotions, from fear to anger to a sense of helplessness. Validate whatever feelings they have, saying things like, "It's okay to feel sad or scared when we hear about these things."
3. Discuss safety measures: Talk more specifically about the safety protocols at their school—what lockdown drills are for, how the school’s security measures work, and what they should do during an emergency. Emphasize that these measures are in place to keep them safe.
4. Encourage critical thinking: Preteens are starting to develop a sense of justice and fairness. Engage them in conversations about why violence happens and what can be done to prevent it. This could include discussions about gun laws, mental health, bullying, and the importance of community support.
5. Stay calm and approachable: They may come to you with questions or fears at different times. Be patient, answer as best as you can, and keep the lines of communication open. Remind them that while shootings are very scary, they are also very rare.
Talking to High School Students
By high school, teens are capable of handling more complex conversations about school shootings. They are likely to have strong opinions and feelings, and may already be involved in conversations around gun control, mental health, and societal issues.
1. Provide honest, detailed information: High school students are mature enough to handle more detailed discussions about school shootings. Explain the facts, but also allow them to share their thoughts and opinions. Let them lead the conversation when possible, and give them space to voice their concerns.
2. Talk about the emotional impact: Teens may feel overwhelmed by the frequency of school shootings in the news, leading to feelings of anxiety, anger, or hopelessness. Normalize these feelings and remind them that they are not alone. Discussing the emotional toll that these events have on students is important for their mental well-being.
3. Empower them to take action: High school students may feel powerless when they hear about school shootings, but they can be encouraged to take action. This might mean participating in school safety committees, joining advocacy groups, or learning about ways to improve mental health in their community. Encourage them to channel their concerns into meaningful action, which can provide a sense of control.
4. Address safety procedures at school: Review the specific safety measures in place at their school, including lockdown drills and emergency protocols. Make sure they understand these measures and feel comfortable asking questions about what to do in different scenarios.
5. Discuss gun violence prevention: Teens are often exposed to discussions about gun control, mental health, and violence prevention. Engage them in a conversation about these issues, allowing them to express their views and explore potential solutions. Encourage critical thinking and research, helping them to form educated opinions on the matter.
6. Focus on hope and resilience: While it's important to be realistic about the threat of school shootings, it's equally important to focus on resilience and the steps being taken to prevent them. Highlight the efforts of lawmakers, school officials, and community members who are working to make schools safer.
Managing Anxiety About School Safety: Normalizing Feelings and Coping Strategies
It’s natural for children and teens to feel anxious about school safety, especially with the frequent news coverage of school shootings. Helping them understand that their feelings are valid and teaching them how to cope is crucial for their emotional well-being.
1. Normalize Anxiety Across All Ages: Children of all ages need to hear that feeling anxious about their safety is a completely normal response. Start by reassuring them that it’s okay to feel scared, sad, or confused when hearing about difficult situations like school shootings. You might say something like, “It’s normal to feel worried about things that sound scary, but that doesn’t mean they will happen.”
Elementary: Reassure younger children that it’s the job of adults to protect them. Simple affirmations, like, “It’s okay to feel a little worried, but remember, there are a lot of grown-ups working to keep you safe,” can help.
Middle School: For preteens, it’s helpful to acknowledge that anxiety can come from not understanding everything or feeling like they can’t control what happens. Let them know that many people feel the same way and that’s a shared human experience.
High School: With teens, you can be more direct. Acknowledge that, while school shootings are rare, the fear surrounding them is real. Encourage open conversations about how their anxiety is a natural response to the world around them.
2. Teach Grounding Techniques and Coping Strategies: Anxiety can feel overwhelming, but teaching children and teens ways to manage those feelings gives them a sense of control over their emotions. Here are some age-appropriate strategies:
For Elementary School Children:
Deep breathing: Teach them simple breathing exercises like inhaling slowly for four seconds, holding for four seconds, and exhaling for four seconds. You can call it “balloon breathing” and have them pretend they’re blowing up a balloon.
Use comforting objects: Suggest they hold onto something that makes them feel safe, like a favorite toy or blanket, when they’re feeling anxious.
For Middle School Children:
Journaling or drawing: Encourage them to write or draw about their feelings. Sometimes expressing emotions in a creative way helps them feel more in control.
Mindfulness exercises: Introduce mindfulness apps or simple activities like focusing on the five senses (What can you see, hear, touch, taste, and smell right now?) to bring them back to the present moment.
For High School Students:
Physical exercise: Encourage physical activity, which can be a great way to release built-up anxiety. Running, yoga, or even a short walk can help clear the mind.
Talking it out: High schoolers often benefit from peer support. Encourage them to talk to friends, a trusted teacher, or a counselor about their feelings. Having a support system is key to managing anxiety.
3. Build a Sense of Control: When children and teens feel anxious, it’s often because they feel powerless. Helping them regain a sense of control can alleviate some of that fear.
Elementary School: Give young kids simple “jobs” that make them feel involved in safety practices, like knowing where to go in case of a fire drill or helping prepare for a school safety drill.
Middle School: Preteens can participate in their own safety by learning how to handle emergencies. For instance, going over the school's emergency plans or having an at-home safety conversation can help them feel like they have an active role in their safety.
High School: High schoolers can get involved in larger conversations about school safety. Encourage them to join student committees on safety or advocacy groups. Feeling part of the solution can be an effective way to manage their anxiety.
4. Limit Exposure to Traumatic Content: Continuous exposure to news about school shootings can heighten anxiety in both children and teens. While it’s important to stay informed, it’s equally important to protect them from unnecessary stress.
Elementary: Completely limit news exposure. If they happen to see something, watch with them and explain it in a calm, reassuring manner.
Middle School: Middle schoolers can begin to process news with some guidance. Watch together, offer explanations, and encourage them to ask questions.
High School: With teens, encourage them to stay informed, but also to take breaks from social media and news, especially if they feel overwhelmed. Teach them about media literacy and how to discern credible information from sensationalized content.
5. Create a Safe Space for Ongoing Conversations: Anxiety doesn't disappear after a single conversation. Create an ongoing dialogue where your child or teen knows they can come to you with questions, fears, or concerns. This continuous support helps ease anxiety over time and lets them know they’re not facing their fears alone.
Check in with them regularly to ask how they’re feeling.
Let them know it’s okay to talk about their worries at any time.
Be patient, as sometimes children and teens may not immediately open up about their anxiety.
6. Professional Support for Severe Anxiety: If your child or teen’s anxiety about school safety becomes overwhelming and begins to interfere with their daily life—such as trouble sleeping, eating, or going to school—it may be helpful to seek professional support. Therapists who specialize in childhood or adolescent anxiety can offer tools and strategies to help your child manage their fears.
Final Thoughts
Talking to kids about school shootings is never easy, but by addressing the conversation based on their developmental stage, you can help them process their feelings and fears. Open, honest communication is key to making children feel safe and supported during these difficult conversations. Teaching them to manage anxiety and empowering them with coping tools can reduce the emotional impact and give them a sense of control over their feelings.
If you learn about or suspect a school shooting threat, always contact law enforcement immediately by calling 911 or your local authorities.
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